- We’ll have a weekly 1:1. I’ll never cancel this meeting, but you can cancel it whenever you like. It’s your time.
- Our 1:1 agenda will be in the meeting invite so we remember important topics. But you’re always free to use the time for whatever’s on your mind.
- When I schedule a meeting with you, I’ll always say when I schedule it what it’s meant to be about. I will not schedule meetings without an agenda.
- When I drop into your DM’s, I’ll always say “hi and why.” No suspense, no small talk while you are wondering what I want.
- News or announcements that significantly impact you, your work, or your team will come from me directly in a 1:1, not revealed in a big meeting.
- You’ll get feedback from me when it’s fresh. There will be no feedback in your performance review that you’re hearing for the first time.
- I trust you to manage your own time. You don’t need to clear with me in advance your time AFK or OOO.
- Your work gets done your way. My focus is on outcomes, not output. Once we’re clear on where we need to go, how to get there is up to you. If I ever find it necessary to suggest a specific approach, I will supply an example.
- A team is strongest when it’s working together, looking after one another, and taking care of each other. Please look to your left and to your right for opportunities to help your colleagues. Please ask for help when you need it. Nobody works alone.
- I trust you to skip level and talk to my manager or other senior management about anything you feel is relevant. You don’t need to clear it with me, and I’m not going to get weird about it when you do.
- I will attribute credit appropriately to you and your team. I will never exaggerate my own role or minimize your contribution. I’ll be especially certain to nail down attribution when senior management are hearing of our accomplishments.
A different (hopefully humorous) take:
- Your ideas are my ideas. Your job is to make me look as good as possible so that when I get promoted, you get promoted. All ideas funnel through me
- On our 1-1s I am going to only talk about me. This isn't a time for you to vent or talk about your feelings. It's a time for me to talk about how good at being a manager I am
- Expect me to move or cancel 4 out of every 5 of our meetings. My time is valuable and thus I'll likely need to spend it doing higher priority things.
- I'll drop in to your DMs with just a "hi". Nothing else until you respond. I get pleasure out of knowing that you are stressing out because you have no idea if I am messaging you with good news or bad news.
- I expect you to respond at 11pm, 3am, and 5am. Always have Slack notifications on as you never know when I may have a spontaneous idea I need to riff off of you
- We work together better as a family. This means I will be joining all of your vacations and personal time off. That trip to Hawaii you planned with your partner for your 5 year anniversary? Yeah, I'll be there.
- When in doubt, don't go above me. I'm extremely insecure about my role and if you go to my boss that undermines me. All communication should flow through me
- Expect me to totally fuck up your roadmap at least 2x a quarter.
- Remember that vacation time I mentioned I'd be joining you on? Well, you need to schedule it at least 6 months in advance. We need to be properly prepared for you to take time off, especially because I am fucking up your roadmap
- Never, under any circumstances, help your colleagues. Corporate culture is competitive and your job is to compete with everyone. This is what makes our company culture special.
- Finally, there is a high likelihood that I make up your performance review on the spot. If you're underperforming I also won't let you know, I'll just be super passive aggressive about it.
Last modified 22 December 2022