(by Bob Burg, ISBN ...)
Section 1: The Five Principles of Ultimate Influence
- Ultimate Influence encompasses not only the ability to move someone to action but the manner in which you move them.
- Moving a person by force is not sustainable: Once the person loses his positional authority, his ability to force others to action is gone.
- All actions we as human beings take are based on self-interest, based on our personal value system.
- All things being equal, people do business with, refer business to, and allow themselves to be influenced by those people they know, like, and trust.
- To elicit like and trust, give someone else a personal benefit for taking action.
Chapter 1: The Five Principles
- Only when we are in control of our emotions are we able to act out of thought, out of consciousness, and create a winning situation for everyone.
- Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and proofs all their own; this is when we rationalize.
- Each of us sees the world in a unique way based on upbringing, environment, schooling, popular media, and the people with whom we associate.
- Such different belief systems leads to non-understanding, which in turn leads to misunderstanding.
- The ego is nothing more than one's sense of self. It is the driving force in everything people do, and it is highly sensitive.
- Being able to move a person to your side of an issue comes down to how you make him feel about himself.
- A frame is the premise or context from which everything else in your interpersonal transactions takes place.
- Set the frame in every interpersonal conflict; otherwise you allow the other person to, and it won't serve you well.
- Tact is the ability to say something in a way that makes the other person feel less threatened or defensive and more open to your ideas.
- Empathy is related to tact but can be defined as the ability to identify with another person's feelings.
Chapter 2: It's (Much) More Than Just About Being Nice
- People take advantage of you not because you are nice, but because you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
Chapter 3: Persuasion Versus Manipulation
- There is perhaps nothing more dangerous than a bad person with good people skills.
- Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation. Persuasion enhances the self-esteem of the other party, leading to better responses.
- A manipulator uses knowledge to only his advantage, while a persuader uses it to the other person's advantage as well.
- A manipulator will play on your negative emotions in order to elicit your compliance, which a persuader will never do.
- Often people resort to manipulation because they don't know how to effective persuade; their tactics are what's negative, not their intent.
- The Ultimate Influencer always asks "Am I doing something that will hurt this person or be contrary to their best interests?"
- If you are sure that your point of view will benefit them, it is your responsibility to persuade them about this, not to manipulate them.
Section 2: Control Your Own Emotions
- If you choose to control your emotions, or to respond instead of react, you can influence almost every interaction for the better.
- In a frustrating challenge, your emotions are the only part of the situation that is in your power to control.
Chapter 4: Responding Versus Reacting
- Self-control of your emotions is important and powerful not only in what it allows you to do but who it allows you to be.
- When you react, you are being controlled by outside circumstances. When you respond, you are in control of yourself, of your emotions.
Chapter 5: Effectively Handle Verbal Attacks
- Listen and remain calm. Then say "I... might possibly owe you an apology. Did I say or do something to offend you?"
- If he or she is simply having a bad day, say "I understand. I've had those myself. Is there anything I can do to help?"
- If your discussion turns less than cordial, the key to being heard is to actually lower your voice.
Chapter 6: Make Calm Your Default Setting
- Your default setting to pressure situations is directly proportional to your ability to problem solve, to live in the solution, and to lead.
- To make this change, vividly imagine the next time a potentially upsetting situation occurs, you become calm. Then follow through.
- The ability to remain calm when others aren't is another separator that creates influence and allows us to gently persuade.
- Understand the default setting of others. Realize you can't change them; instead, work within that context.
- The more you help them operate their default settings successfully, the better you can lead, persuade, and influence successfully.
Chapter 7: Overcome Your Anger
- Anger is a turnoff to people. You might be able to obtain compliance through displays of anger, but never commitment.
- You can't effectively influence someone against whom you hold a grudge. And the negative energy you emit to everyone will make you less attractive, and diminish your influence.
- Focus on gratitude for all the good in your life. The more in tune you are with gratitude, the less you'll feel the need to be angry.
Chapter 8: The Persuasive Power of Positive Detachment
- When detached from an outcome in a positive way, you'll be less bothered if you don't get what you want, but chances are better that you will get what you want.
- Without the attachment you are able to focus more clearly on your goal without the distraction of fear, which always accompanies attachment.
- Do your very best; then, regardless of the result, you can have peace of mind knowing you gave it your wall.
Chapter 9: Think Before You Speak
- It's best to handle conflict before it ever takes root; the next best thing you can do is stop it before it escalates.
- Instead of exploding at someone via email, simply write it without sending it, wait before sending, or enlist help to critique and edit.
Chapter 10: Agree to Disagree
- Agree to disagree with someone when any further discussion cannot possibly help your relationship, but might just hurt it.
- Honor a person's right to believe a certain way without agreeing with it; this leaves that person much more open to your other ideas when you speak again.
Chapter 11: Consider the Source
- First, determine whether a criticism is worth taking seriously, given the source. Regardless of the source, do not take it personally.
Section 3: Understand the Clash of Belief Systems
- A belief system is how we see the world. Truth is objective fact, and belief systems color that truth, providing a unique interpretation of it.
- The trouble is when we fail to notice our belief systems at work and operate in accordance with our beliefs, even harmful ones.
- Without understanding that everyone operates out of their own paradigm and worldview, we are stuck on the same level of misunderstanding and miscommunication as everyone else.
Chapter 12: Belief Systems -- the Problem and the Solution
- Beliefs are extremely difficult to change because they operate primarily on an unconscious level.
- We view things not as they are, but as we are. We believe in truths, and we will unconsciously steer our way to our truths, according to our beliefs.
- In conflict, ask yourself: How is my or his belief system distorting the truth? What questions can I ask him to clarify his belief system? What information can I give to clarify my belief system?
Chapter 13: "How Would You Define...?"
- When parties involved are defining a word differently, they may not even know what they are disagreeing about.
- Look out for words that are subjective, like "soon," "often," "later," "nearby," and "long" and ask for clarification.
Chapter 14: Accept the Responsibility for Communication
- When it comes to effective communication, the onus is on us to be sure that the other person understands our point, want, or need.
- Because we come from different belief systems, the chances of someone knowing what we want without us clarifying are very slim.
- Avoid giving or accepting mixed messages, such as saying contradictory things, or contradictory body language.
Chapter 15: The Importance of Conscious Awareness
- When you disagree or feel offended by someone, ask if your feelings are being filtered through your paradigm, or if you're making a decision about that person based on limited information.
- When you are consciously aware, you can think and act out of strength and choice instead of unconsciously accepted programming.
Chapter 16: Persona or Not? How Do You Know?
- Give people the benefit of the doubt; judging favorably hurts no one, helps everyone, and simply makes a lot more sense.
- Much of what we take personally isn't personal, but the result of transferring our belief system onto others.
- Use an "I message" to determine if something was personal: "I felt hurt... I took it personally... For my own clarification, I'd like to ask you about it."
Chapter 17: Love Languages From Liberty the Cat
- We receive love as words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
- Determine your love language as well as the other person's, and be sure to stay conscious of both.
Chapter 18: First, Know the Issue. Then, Choose the Words
- Understanding the other person's belief system, or underlying cause of their position, is critical to choosing the most persuasive words.
- Discover why someone feels a certain way, and then prepare your presentation in a way that honors them, their egos, and their intent.
- By acknowledging their intent, that frame continues to place you all on the same side, all wishing for the same effect.
Chapter 19: The Answer? Based on What Information?
- We provide advice or opinions that would serve us based on our values and our beliefs, and fill in any blanks needed to reinforce our story.
- Do not provide advice or opinions if you do not have enough information to go on.
Chapter 20: Perceptual Realities Equal Different Conclusions
- We absolutely must see the reality based on their perception if we are going to obtain buy-in to our suggestions and ideas.
Section 4: Acknowledge Their Ego
- We're taught to ignore or obliterate the ego, but it motivates the good in our lives.
- Trouble happens when the part with unhealthy desires controls us, causing trouble and wreaking havoc in our affairs.
Chapter 22: Don't Shame or Embarrass
- If you want any chance of positively influencing a person, shaming them will totally sabotage it.
- Delivering your point in a way that leaves the other person's ego intact via tact, empathy, and kindness, earns their respect.
- Don't correct another person publicly just to make your point. A huge part of influence is that the person likes you and trusts you.
- If you have to insult someone to be funny, it probably best not to be funny. But self-deprecating humor is always disarming.
Chapter 23: Be a Judge, Not a Lawyer
- In a disagreement, see the situation from your side and theirs. Focus especially on theirs since you are predisposed to see your side.
Chapter 24: The Principle of Agreement
- When someone says something you know is wrong, agree to disarm the person. Then transition into methods of persuasion.
- Then follow with "I'm wondering if..." or "Here's what I'm thinking" and make your suggestion. But don't use the word "but."
- As the person is abiding, provide an out phrase, such as "If you can't do it, I'll definitely understand."
Chapter 25: Ego Repair
- When someone acts negative toward you, the reason why may not be the reason they give you. Dig for the real reason.
- Thanking someone in advance for what you want them to do can persuade them to do exactly what you thanked them for.
Chapter 26: The Power of Handwritten Notes
- In many situations, nothing makes an impact like a handwritten note of appreciation.
- With the advent of technology, those who write them stand out and are positioned more powerfully than those who don't.
- If you want to take an extra step that's even more powerful, type a note to his or her boss.
Chapter 27: Education -- A Powerful Key to Influence
- Edify people, or build them up in the minds of others and their own minds, even for the things you wish they would do.
- People will believe their own press and start adopting the traits and behaviors for which they're being praised.
Chapter 28: Do You Look For Disagreement?
- Pointing out the one contrarian example in an otherwise sound and principle-based statement comes across as argumentative and ego-based.
- If you must disagree, think about it first, look first for where you agree, use tact, and finally reconsider whether this is necessary.
- Ask if you are motivated by a genuine desire to add value, or if you're disagreeing to get attention, begin an argument, or feel better about yourself.
Chapter 29: Compliment the Uncomplimented
- Complimenting something who is usually not complimented has a tremendous impact on how far that person will go out of their way to help you.
- Those who might be deciding whether to do business with you or become more involved with you socially are watching how you treat others.
Chapter 30: Caught In the Act... Of Doing Something Right
- When you catch someone in the act of doing something right, acknowledge it verbally, and make sure everyone else sees and hears you do it.
- Whether positive or negative, behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated.
Chapter 31: "I Appreciate Ya"
- Instead of just saying thank you to someone, say "I appreciate you" to separate you from everyone else.
Section 5: Setting the Frame
- Setting the frame is when we can influence another's response by controlling the stimulus, our action.
- In any interpersonal interaction, a frame will be set. Ensure that it is you, not the other person, who sets it.
- If the other person has entered the transaction setting a frame, reset their frame simply by setting your own.
Chapter 32: Positive Expectation Works, But Not Why You Think It Does
- By expecting someone to be helpful, you take on a corresponding attitude, which in turn changes his or her attitude.
- If you display gratitude and appreciation for their kindness, they are going to respond by living up to those feelings.
- There may be nothing more powerful in beginning a relationship, conversation, or overcoming an interpersonal challenge than a smile.
- Smiles are the most contagious emotional signal of all, having an almost irresistible power to make other people smile in return.
Chapter 33: Framing Your Influence in Your First Conversation
- Focus on the other person. Show interest in them and make them feel good about themselves; they will like you and begin to trust you.
- Two Feel-Good Questions are how they got started in their line of business, and what they enjoy most about what they do.
- Ask how to know if someone you're speaking with is someone they'd like to meet. You communicate value.
Chapter 34: Sometimes, It's Good to Let 'Em See You Sweat
- While a slick person may overwhelm and dazzle, they typically are not as relatable as the "real" person.
- During those times when, for whatever reason, you feel overwhelmed, under-confident, or scared, just admit it, and win.
Chapter 35: The Ransburger Pivot
- Always begin with a point on which you both agree; this shows that you both want the same result, but have different views on how to get there.
- With the Ransburger Pivot, you pivot from a point you both agree on, and so it's easier for the other person to accept your new conclusion.
- Begin with "Like you, I want..." Add a lead-in phrase "I appreciate your thoughts" or "I agree with..."
Chapter 36: The Value of the Correct Phrase
- When attempting to express value to another person, people don't care how it affects you, but care how it affects them.
Chapter 37: "What Can I Do to Help?"
- Control your emotions, present a calm, self-controlled front, and set or reset the frame by asking "What can I do to help?"
Chapter 38: Win By Making the Other's Case First
- To positively disarm and win over someone with whom you're having a disagreement, first point out their side of the story.
- This communicates that you are not someone who is out to get them, prove them wrong, or win at all costs.
- When we are truly desirous of the truth and not just winning an argument, people understand our intent and accept our position quicker.
Chapter 39: Help Them to Live In the Solution
- If someone is solution-resistant, acknowledge the problem instead of ignoring it, but relentlessly focus on the solution.
Chapter 40: Avoid Negative Framing
- Think of words or phrases you've used or heard in the past that seem to upset or annoy people, and erase them from your vocabulary.
Chapter 41: Don't Fall Victim to Either/Or
- The alternate of choice is an effective way of framing a choice for a prospect, making the options easier to grasp.
- When given a choice between only two things, slow down and ask if there is another choice that works better for you, or if you would prefer neither.
Chapter 42: Persuasion Secrets of a Ten-Year-Old
- Give the person something admirable to live up to. If there is a problem, find the solution. Also answer any objections.
Chapter 43: Change Your Frame, Change Your Life
- An outcome can occur only in relation to the context, or the frame, in which it's set.
- By resetting our own frame, we can choose to interpret an event so that it is conducive to our happiness rather than to our misery.
- Reframe a challenging encounter as an opportunity to practice patience, responding instead of reacting, or influence.
- Also reframe so that you feel fortunate that you don't have the same problems or feeling of unhappiness as the other person.
Section 6: Communicate with Tact and Empathy
- With tact, you can make a point and allow the other person to feel good, making them more open to embracing your message.
- With empathy, you can understand his feelings enough to know why you need to tell him this.
- Having and communicating with empathy is what really makes you more likely to communicate with tact.
Chapter 44: Tact, the Language of Strength
- We want someone to not only accept our suggestion without becoming defensive, but to truly embrace it and correct their actions.
- Control your emotions so that you think before you speak, and choose words that honor the other person's belief system and ego.
- When you begin with the right intent, the right words will generally follow. Empathy often determines the attitude.
Chapter 45: The Beauty of Empathy
- Understanding how they feel is not enough. You must communicate that you understand how the other person feels.
- If you cannot feel what the other person feels, say you understand that they are feeling something. Let them feel heard.
- Sympathy is about your feelings, while empathy is about theirs; the latter provides more value and is more productive.
Chapter 46: Lead-in Phrases Lead the Way
- A lead-in phrase softens or buffers the potential sting of your advice and makes it more acceptable and easier to embrace.
- The best lead-in phrase is "You know more about this than I do. I'm wondering if..."
- Such phrases not only open their minds, but open ours, causing us to ask ourselves if we are in fact correct.
Chapter 47: Deflection Via the Parry
- Fighting back against an insult won't make it or the insulter disappear; it instead only provides fodder for conflict.
- Instead, first acknowledge the source positively, saying you have great respect for them. Stay above their level.
- Also acknowledge the critique. A good parry is to simply say "That's a good question" or "You make a valid point."
- Deflection keeps things impersonal and allows for positive detachment, so that your answer can best serve everyone.
Chapter 48: Kind Words Regarding Your Competitors
- By complimenting your competitor, it builds up yourself in the mind of your prospect.
- It shows you are confident, are successful, and that you will never say anything bad about your prospect or their staff.
- But if your competitor is a thief, don't lie and speak well of them; instead say nothing at all.
Chapter 49: Tact Does Not Equal Compromise
- While it's fine to compromise or negotiate on things, it's not okay to cave on our principles or beliefs.
- When you maintain your tact and kindness, the other person will lower their defensive shield. At that point change can occur.
Chapter 50: Give Them a Back Door
- When faced with potential conflict, people feel pressured to respond or behave in a certain way, creating an adversarial frame.
- Give the person an emotional escape route, removing any pressure they might feel, because now they know they have a choice.
- Your goal is to make them feel comfortable enough not to feel the need to take it. But if they do, they would have anyway.
- Let it be their decision and they will feel good about it because it was their decision, not yours.
Chapter 51: How to Say No Graciously and Effectively
- You can say no. Say it with kindness and gratitude and with absolutely no defensiveness.
- Do not make an excuse for saying no; the other person cannot attempt to answer your objection in order to persuade you.
- Saying no when you should say no allows you to say yes more often when you should say yes, and to say yes more effectively.
Chapter 52: Don't Tread on Me
- When dealing with disrespectful people, stay polite and honest, say no with politeness and tact, and stay alert.
- To respond with a request or call for inappropriate action you might say, "I'm not comfortable with..."
Chapter 53: Turning Down an Offer, While Leaving Room for Another
- The ego elicits emotional decisions and, when insulted, people will make decisions not in their best interest.
- Thank the other person for their offer, list your reasons for turning it down using an "I message," and then thank them again.
- If the other person says nothing, ask "What can you offer that would help me justify the decision to buy?"
Chapter 54: Dealing With an Interrupter
- Tell the interrupter it doesn't do anyone any good if he interrupts you while you're trying to ask the question that he asked.
- Alternatively, without any sign of emotion, continue with your original thought. Do this repeatedly to send a message.
- Finally, ask if the other person is genuinely interested in your thoughts, and express your need to feel like you can express your point.
- If you catch yourself interrupting, then apologize. Overcome interrupting and people will credit you as a great listener.
Chapter 55: The Ben Franklin Method for Winning People Over
- Sometimes having someone do something kind for you can mend a relationship, just as if you had done something kind for him.
Chapter 56: Dr. Franklin and Another Great Lesson in Communication
- Anything be communicated more persuasively by not coming across as a dogmatic know-it-all, but with humility and respect for others' feelings and opinions.
- Use lead-in phrases like "It appears to me...", "I imagine it's...", or "If I'm not mistaken..."
- "The fact of the matter is..." usually doesn't lead into a fact, and you're encouraging resistance and not acceptance.
Chapter 57: Timing Rules!
- If the timing is bad but the conversation must take place now, acknowledge the bad timing and convey that the situation is critical.
- When taking part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties have the time and willingness to participate.
- Create agreement for sufficient time by asking for it.
- If the other party insists on keeping it short, ask but use an "I message" so that you take responsibility for finding more time.
Chapter 58: Making People Comfortable With You
- Reintroduce yourself to someone you've recently met, whenever you see them, until you're certain that they know your name.
- You'll never offend a person by showing them the courtesy of making life easier for them.
Chapter 59: Collecting Money Owed You In a Winning Way
- Be tactful and compliment their values and integrity, show gratitude for their patronage, and say it would mean "a lot" if they paid.
- Add if there is a problem that you are not aware of, you'd appreciate letting you know so that you can discuss.
- Do not come across as demanding, but do not come across as weak.
Chapter 60: The Pleasure of "My Pleasure"
- "My pleasure" says it was a pleasure to help you, and that I will be happy to do so again anytime.
- "No problem" implies it was sort of a hassle to help you, but I did it anyway.
Chapter 61: Deliver the Right Message for Your Audience
- Pay attention to the often poor communication you experience and asking yourself how to make it more acceptable and persuasive.
Chapter 62: Seeking Forgiveness
- If someone is so angry that he ignores you, have an intermediary, whom you both trust, try to intercede.
- Otherwise, let her know that you understand that he is still angry and not yet ready to speak, but when she is, you will be there for her.
- When mistakes happen, apologize with no excuses.
Chapter 63: "Acknoweldge Me!"
- When someone voices a complaint, let them know that we understand that they are upset.
- Display empathy in such a way that says, "You matter."
Chapter 64: Just Listen
- Sometimes, by just listening, people feel heard and the problem dissolves; other times, they simply solve it themselves.
Chapter 65: Remember to Scratch the Hogs
- If a person says no, don't try to persuade. They will feel relaxed instead of pressured, and in turn trust and like you.
- People tend to intuitively trust those who are like them; relate-ability is accomplished most easily by finding similarities.
Chapter 66: The Pre-Apology Approach
- Empathize; it's always easier to get what you want or need by first helping the other person feel better about themselves.
- Look and listen for what someone is feeling, even if they're unaware they're communicating it, and acknowledge it.
Chapter 67: Influencing in Style: A Reader Success Story
- Set a positive frame and compliment; then reject an offer while making it impersonal, and give the other person an out.
Section 7: The Character of Ultimate Influencers
Chapter 68: Stand Firm on Principle
- Do not change your principles. Be consistent and predictable and make your character understandable.
Chapter 70: Focus on Your Strengths but Don't Ignore Your Weaknesses
- Group weaknesses into those that don't matter, those that matter and need to be mitigated, and those that matter and need to be turned into a strength.
Chapter 71: Ignore Problems at Your Peril
- Do not ignore or hide from problems. Acknowledge the problem, and then live in the solution.
Chapter 72: Why Top Influencers Build Strong Teams
- True leaders not only accept having smarter and more knowledgeable people on their team, they seek them out.
- On the other hand, positional leaders tend to derive their self-esteem from their status.
Chapter 73: Consistency: A Prime Ingredient of Trust
- Consistency removes uncertainty and leads to trust, and trust in turn leads to influence.
- How you do anything is how you do everything; or, consistency of effort is paramount.
Chapter 74: Growing from Your Mistakes
- Being able to admit you are wrong is not only a first sign of maturity but perhaps the foundation for any type of growth and effectiveness.
Chapter 75: Self-Correction: When Your Replay Shows You Fumbled
- There is no natural dichotomy on being principle based and admitting one is wrong, nor staying in principle based while adjusting your strategy.
- Focusing on self-correction helps you understand yourself better and be more prepared to notice when you've messed up.
- Aside from acknowledging the mistakes, recognize and celebrate your victories as well.
Chapter 76: Want to Be an Ultimate Influencer? Say Little and Do Much
- Establish a reputation for saying little, always coming through on your promises, and then over-delivering on them.
Last modified 19 September 2022